Episode 5: Gods of Egypt

In this edition of Don't Watch This Shit, Mick, Jesse, Baby Brother Taylor, and Perpetual New Guy Sam sat down and watched the summer blockbuster Gods Of Egypt starring Jamie Lannister, Off-Brand Orlando Bloom, and Gerard Butler.

# OF TIMES OFF-BRAND ORLANDO BLOOM SHOULD HAVE DIED: 6

TITS:

0

JEWS:

0

JESSE

  1. MOSTLY WHITE PEOPLE

  2. VAGUE BRITISH ACCENT: NO EGYPTIAN

  3. GAUNTLET OF ENEMIES

  4. STORM/INFILTRATE THE CASTLE SCENE

  5. SET HAS SOME ARTIFACT AS SOURCE OF POWER

  6. TERTIARY GOD IN 11TH HOUR

  7. HERO ASCENDS TO GODHOOD

  8. HERO TRAINING SEQUENCE

  9. VILLIAN MONOLOGUE

  10. GOD LEARNS ABOUT MORTALS

MICK

  1. SURPRISINGLY ACCURATE MYTHOLOGY

  2. GRATUITOUS CGI

  3. WOULD PROBABLY MAKE A BETTER VIDEO GAME.

  4. JESUS-LIKE SACRIFICE ENDING BY JAMIE L.

  5. INCEPTION-LIKE SOUNDTRACK

  6. NOBODY TRIES HARD ACTING IN THIS MOVIE.

  7. DUMB ROMANTIC SUBPLOT FORCED IN.

  8. PROBABLY GOING TO SEE A MUMMY

  9. DYING WITHOUT BLOOD

  10. REACH: SOMEONE WILL PART THE RED SEA.

TAYLOR

  1. RA IS GOING TO BE A SEXY WOMAN.

  2. SCENE WHERE THEY WEIGH SOULS WITH ANUBIS

  3. THE SPHINX BEING BUILD STILL WITH NOSE

  4. JAMIE LANNISTER IS IMMORTAL

  5. GERARD BUTLER WILL HAVE NO ACTUAL MOTIVATION BESIDES EVIL.

  6. THE HUMAN WILL WEAKEN THE VILLAIN TO MAKE HIM KILLABLE IN THE LAST FIGHT

  7. THE HEROES GAINED SUPER AMAZEBALLS WEAPONS THAT WILL BE STRIPPED AWAY IN THE LAST FIGHT.

  8. JAMIE LANNISTER HAS SEX AT LEAST TWICE, ONE TIME HE'S REAL SAD

  9. SOMEONE WILL BE FED GRAPES LIKE HEDONISM BOT

  10. VIKINGS OR ANOTHER FORCE WILL BE THE STINGER AT THE END.  

SAM

  1. GOAL IS THE "EYE OF HORUS"

  2. GIRL IS ACTUALLY A GOD AND DOESN'T REVEAL IT UNTIL THE END.

  3. NO MENTION OF THE JEWS

  4. HERO DOES IT FOR THE POON

  5. HORUS LOSES TWICE

  6. "MORTALS" GAGS

  7. SOME SORT OF VERY INCORRECT EGYPTIAN IMAGERY

  8. HUGE CGI SETS ALA STAR WARS OR LOTR

  9. STRUGGLE ACCENTS OR NO ATTEMPT AT ACCENTS

  10. MAIN CHARACTER MAKES HEROIC SACRIFICE