Episode 7: Repligator

Mick, Jesse, and Taylor watched 1996's Repligator, a piece of thrill-rotica about soldiers, sexy babes, and cheap raptor masks. There isn't anybody famous anywhere near this movie unless you count the guy who played Leatherface in the old Texas Chainsaw Massacre, which nobody does.

TITS: 13

PRODUCTION MISTAKES: 12

LASERS: 25

JESSE

  1. SCIENCE GADGETS SAVE THE DAY

  2. ALLIGATORS ONLY AFFECT WOMEN

  3. HORRIBLE, BLATANT SEXISM

  4. INEXPLICABLE NUMBER OF WOMEN

  5. LITTLE PLOT COHESION. SCENES NEARLY EXIST IN A VACUUM.

FINAL RATING:

IT'S LIKE WATCHING THE BORING PARTS OF A FETISH PORNO.

MICK:

  1. THIS WILL BASICALLY BE A RIPOFF OF ALIEN.

  2. THERE WILL BE A SEX SCENE. IT WILL BE AWKWARD AF.

  3. THERE WILL BE A "BIG REVEAL" THAT DR. GOODBODY IS ACTUALLY A REPLIGATOR.

  4. THERE ARE GOING TO BE A FUCKLOAD OF FILMING MISTAKES.

  5. SHITTY WORDPLAY/PUNS.

FINAL RATING:

THIS IS THE WORST EPISODE OF PLANET EARTH I HAVE EVER SEEN.

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TAYLOR:

  1. AT LEAST HALF OF THE SCENES WILL HAVE AWKWARD PAUSES BEFORE CUTTING AWAY.

  2. THERE IS NO EVIL DOCTOR, JUST SCIENCE ACCIDENTS.

  3. A LINE AKIN TO "YES, BUT AT WHAT COST" WILL BE UTTERED.

  4. THERE WILL BE A REAL WORLD NEWS TIE-IN LIKE BILL CLINTON BEING PRESIDENT

  5. THERE WILL BE DUDE BUTT.

FINAL RATING: 

A STEVE IRWIN PORN PARODY WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE TASTEFUL.

Episode 6: Yoga Hosers

Mick, Jesse, and Taylor watched Kevin Smith's second installment in the True North trilogy: Yoga Hosers, which stars Johnny Depp, Kevin Smith, and their daughters Lily-Rose Depp and Harley Quinn Smith and is the sequel to the movie Kevin Smith made on a dare. 

TITS: 0

"FELLOW KIDS" JOKES: 21

CANADIAN JOKES: 43

JESSE

  1. JASON MEWES

  2. CANADIAN JOKES

  3. HELLO FELLOW KIDS

  4. MAD SCIENTISTS= BRATZI

  5. TERRIBLE CGI

  6. JOHNNY DEPP/ KEVIN SMITH IS BIG BAD

  7. BRATZIS CRASH SENIOR PARTY. 

  8. FIGHT MONTAGE INVOLVING YOGA POSES

  9. EXCESSIVE NUMBER OF KEVIN SMITH/ JOHNNY DEPP FILM REFERENCES

  10. FRIENDSHIP IS THREATENED THEN SAVED.

MICK

  1. THEY NEVER GET TO THE PARTY

  2. GOOD AT COMBAT FOR SOME REASON

  3. GRATUITOUS CAMEOS

  4. STUPID CANADIAN JOKES

  5. WE WILL SEE A TIM HORTON'S

  6. TERRIBLE CGI

  7. THIS MOVIE WILL NOT HAVE A SATISFYING ENDING

  8. THE GIRLS WILL END UP WITH NO BOYFRIENDS AT THE END BECAUSE THEY DON'T NEED NO MAN.

  9. INACCURATE YOGA

  10. GRATUITOUS MILLENIAL JOKES

TAYLOR

  1. THE WORD "HASHTAG" WILL BE SAID ALOUD.

  2. YOGA POSITIONS WILL BE SEXUALIZED OR FRAMED TO LOOK LIKE SEX

  3. TWO HORRIBLY DATED 2016 "HIT TRACKS" WILL BE USED THAT WON'T AGE WELL

  4. THE NAZI'S EVIL PLAN IS ONLY TO TAKE OVER CANADA BECAUSE THEY'RE SO PASSIVE

  5. REMARKS ABOUT THE US BEING CANADA'S BIG BROTHER, OR THE US SAVING THE DAY ARE MADE.

  6. THERE ARE PLASTIC-ESQUE (MEAN GIRLS) BITCHES AS PRIMARY ANTAGONIST FOR THE FIRST 15 MINUTES.

  7. THEY NEVER GET TO THE PART. THE PARTY WAS IN THEIR HEARTS.

  8. SAVING THE DAY MAKES THEM THE COOLEST SOPHOMORES, EVERY GUY HAS 10K BONERS

  9. THEY STOP TO INSTAGRAM/VINE (RIP) AN INTERACTION WITH THE MONSTERS.

  10. JOHNNY DEPP AND KEVIN SMITH ARE IN THE MOVIE (NO PARENTS, MAYBE NAZIS.)

Episode 5: Gods of Egypt

In this edition of Don't Watch This Shit, Mick, Jesse, Baby Brother Taylor, and Perpetual New Guy Sam sat down and watched the summer blockbuster Gods Of Egypt starring Jamie Lannister, Off-Brand Orlando Bloom, and Gerard Butler.

# OF TIMES OFF-BRAND ORLANDO BLOOM SHOULD HAVE DIED: 6

TITS:

0

JEWS:

0

JESSE

  1. MOSTLY WHITE PEOPLE

  2. VAGUE BRITISH ACCENT: NO EGYPTIAN

  3. GAUNTLET OF ENEMIES

  4. STORM/INFILTRATE THE CASTLE SCENE

  5. SET HAS SOME ARTIFACT AS SOURCE OF POWER

  6. TERTIARY GOD IN 11TH HOUR

  7. HERO ASCENDS TO GODHOOD

  8. HERO TRAINING SEQUENCE

  9. VILLIAN MONOLOGUE

  10. GOD LEARNS ABOUT MORTALS

MICK

  1. SURPRISINGLY ACCURATE MYTHOLOGY

  2. GRATUITOUS CGI

  3. WOULD PROBABLY MAKE A BETTER VIDEO GAME.

  4. JESUS-LIKE SACRIFICE ENDING BY JAMIE L.

  5. INCEPTION-LIKE SOUNDTRACK

  6. NOBODY TRIES HARD ACTING IN THIS MOVIE.

  7. DUMB ROMANTIC SUBPLOT FORCED IN.

  8. PROBABLY GOING TO SEE A MUMMY

  9. DYING WITHOUT BLOOD

  10. REACH: SOMEONE WILL PART THE RED SEA.

TAYLOR

  1. RA IS GOING TO BE A SEXY WOMAN.

  2. SCENE WHERE THEY WEIGH SOULS WITH ANUBIS

  3. THE SPHINX BEING BUILD STILL WITH NOSE

  4. JAMIE LANNISTER IS IMMORTAL

  5. GERARD BUTLER WILL HAVE NO ACTUAL MOTIVATION BESIDES EVIL.

  6. THE HUMAN WILL WEAKEN THE VILLAIN TO MAKE HIM KILLABLE IN THE LAST FIGHT

  7. THE HEROES GAINED SUPER AMAZEBALLS WEAPONS THAT WILL BE STRIPPED AWAY IN THE LAST FIGHT.

  8. JAMIE LANNISTER HAS SEX AT LEAST TWICE, ONE TIME HE'S REAL SAD

  9. SOMEONE WILL BE FED GRAPES LIKE HEDONISM BOT

  10. VIKINGS OR ANOTHER FORCE WILL BE THE STINGER AT THE END.  

SAM

  1. GOAL IS THE "EYE OF HORUS"

  2. GIRL IS ACTUALLY A GOD AND DOESN'T REVEAL IT UNTIL THE END.

  3. NO MENTION OF THE JEWS

  4. HERO DOES IT FOR THE POON

  5. HORUS LOSES TWICE

  6. "MORTALS" GAGS

  7. SOME SORT OF VERY INCORRECT EGYPTIAN IMAGERY

  8. HUGE CGI SETS ALA STAR WARS OR LOTR

  9. STRUGGLE ACCENTS OR NO ATTEMPT AT ACCENTS

  10. MAIN CHARACTER MAKES HEROIC SACRIFICE

Episode 4.5: Sex Ed

In a special snow day edition of Don't Watch This Shit, Mick and Jesse got drunk and watched Sex Ed. 

1: References to Masturbation

2: References to Sex Acts

3: Tits

4: Sex Scene

5: We See Someone Crankin' It

 

1 Drink

2 Drinks

Shot

Waterfall

Finish Drink

Final Counts:

1: References to Masturbation: 6

2: References to Sex Acts: 20

3: Tits: 1

4: Sex Scene: 2

5: We See Someone Crankin' It: 0

Final Rating:

Jesse: 

Mick:

Episode 4: Sniper Special Ops

Mick, Jesse, and sweet baby brother Taylor got together for another episode of Don't Watch This Shit. We watched Steven Segal's Sniper Special Ops. It was not good.

TITS: 0

EXPLOSIONS: 4

ONE LINERS: 1

MICK

  1. Gratuitous Patriotism
  2. Racist soldier on squad
  3. Seagal goes back to save someone
  4. One of the team members is a traitor
  5. Nobody has done any research on guns/combat
  6. Seagal gets the girl
  7. Gratuitous puns
  8. Someone is going to do that terrorist scream
  9. Wilhelm Scream
  10. Latent homoeroticism

FINAL THOUGHTS: GIANT WASTE OF TIME

JESSE

  1. Steven Seagal is effectively immortal
  2. Only one American is hurt
  3. Girl is won by Steven Seagal in the end
  4. Steven Seagal never removes sunglasses
  5. Steven Seagal martial arts someone to death
  6. Horrible gunplay
  7. Steven Seagal speaks Arabic
  8. Towelhead & Other Offensive slurs
  9. At least one America! or USA!
  10. Vic and Jake bromance. One of them brings up bet in the end.

FINAL THOUGHTS: I FEEL GUILTY FOR GIVING STEVEN SEAGAL MONEY FOR THIS

TAYLOR

  1. There is no spotter at any point
  2. Seagal is loose cannon cop, served for multiple tours
  3. Little brother death scene
  4. Flashback to little blonde girl running in yard
  5. Reloading only twice
  6. Seagal powers through leg wound at the end
  7. Black hawks save the day like in LOTR.
  8. RPG used on humans
  9. Wilhelm scream from grenade throw
  10. Comes from army family, his father, his father before him

Episode 3: The Chase

This month Mick Theebs, Jesse Roy, and special guest Amy Jay sat down and watched a forgotten jewel of the early 90's called The Chase, starring Charlie "The Sheenster" Sheen and Kristy Swanson of Buffy the Vampire Slayer fame.

TIT COUNT: 0

FELONY COUNT: 7

CAR CRASH COUNT: 10

MICK

  1. At least 10 felonies will be committed
  2. Girl has controlling father
  3. Stockholm Syndrome: The Movie
  4. Sex while driving
  5. They won't have to stop for gas.
  6. Charlie Sheen gets arrested
  7. Girl stands up to her father.
  8. Girl also gets arrested
  9. Dated 90's references
  10. Trash soundtrack

FINAL RATING: 

THERE ARE WORSE MOVIES, I GUESS.

JESSE

  1. Charlie's Crime = Murder of someone close to the Sheenster
  2. Charlie Sheen gets off scot-free
  3. Kristy stands up to workaholic daddy
  4. Highway to Hell
  5. Lots of car explosions and crashes
  6. Ramp Truck Ramp
  7. Tractor-trailer with logs, steel, cars, whatever tips over.
  8. If he doesn't get off (hehehe), prison phone conversation through glass.
  9. Hardass police guy who HATES Sheeneroni
  10. Police shootout

FINAL RATING:

JUST WATCH THE TRAILER

AMY JAY

  1. Roadhead (PG-13 version)
  2. Girl has Dad issues
  3. Charlie Sheen had a rough childhood
  4. The TV News is always at the right part of the story when someone turns on a TV
  5. They get to Mexico
  6. She gets him out of legal trouble because love.
  7. No breasts
  8. The whole movie takes place in <48 hours
  9. No one gets shot
  10. Car phone will get destroyed.

FINAL RATING:

WILL PUT ON WHILE CLEANING HOUSE

Episode 2: Racing Stripes

Jesse, Mick, and Taylor watched a movie about a talking zebra called Racing Stripes starring Frankie Muniz, Dustin Hoffman, and a bunch of people that were really hot in the -00's. 

TIT COUNT: 0
FELONY COUNT: 2
FART COUNT: 4
PUN COUNT: 30

MICK


1. I am going to hate the flies
2. Corrupt rich person
3. Last minute come-around from authority
4. Impossible assistance from animals
5. Fart Jokes
6. Animals are smarter than people
7. Stripe puns, oh god
8. Snoop Dogg weed reference
9. Single dad, dead mom
10. The power of friendship saves day

FINAL RATING:
PRETTY SHITTY

JESSE


1. No mother- probably dead
2. Zebra has easily corrected identity crisis
3. Flies/animals do rendition of song a la Shrek
4. Romance subplot for zebra
5. Excessive number of zebra jokes/animal puns
6. Snotty rich people rival
7. Slow-mo race finish/ camera finish
8. Zebra gets injured/sick/sabotaged before the big race
9. Fart jokes from animals
10. Barn animals get payback on snooty rich people

FINAL RATING:
PRETTY SHITTY

TAYLOR

1. No less than 2 farts for comedy
2. One Smash Mouth song
3. The mom is dead
4. Dad’s failure as racer will be flashed back to
5. Win by technicality (not final win)
6. “There’s no rule saying zebras can’t race”
7. Edgy use of the c-word (crap)
8. Female foil, super rich with horse, wears all white
9. Derpy doting boy friend friend
10. Colonel Sanders dressed in all white, cliche accent

FINAL RATING:
NOT THAT BAD, I GUESS

Episode 1: Road Trip

For a very long time, Mick has wanted to start a podcast. Today, that dream is finally realized as he and his dear friend Jesse started Don't Watch This Shit.

The basic premise of Don't Watch This Shit is Mick and Jesse pick a movie they have never seen before and anticipate to be a pile of steamy sweaty doo-doo. They then each construct lists of things they hope and expect to happen, watch the movie, and discuss whether or not the movie met their expectations before ultimately giving the movie a rating in the form of modern hieroglyphs known as emojis. Listen to the podcast below in addition to a written version of their lists and ratings.

Jesse

  1. Tits
  2. Tom Green does something gross
  3. Dildo jokes
  4. Gay jokes
  5. Foreign people joke
  6. Car trouble
  7. Tom Green butt
  8. Cum in face
  9. School bus full of hot chicks/ weirdos
  10. Creepy hitchhiker
  11. Naked with tube socks
  12. Doing something for money

Final rating:

Maybe

Mick

  1. 6 different sets of tits.
  2. Someone gets pooped on.
  3. Someone catches on fire.
  4. People shout "road trip" in unison
  5. Sex with an older lady
  6. Creepy hitchhiker
  7. Farmer's daughter
  8. Andy Dick Cameo
  9. Girlfriend doesn't care about cheating
  10. Dumb artistic ability

 

Final rating:

Probably Go Ahead

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