For the tenth episode of Don't Watch This Shit, Mick, Jesse, and Taylor watched Keeping Up with the Joneses, starring Zack Galifianakis, Isla Fischer, Jon Hamm, and Gal Gadot. The latest take on the suburban fish out of water genre, the boys discuss this movie about two nosy neighbors while simultaneously workshopping a screenplay about the Presidents of the United States, starring Jon Hamm.
For the 9th episode of Don't Watch This Shit, the boys are joined by ALSO THAT regular Keith Roland. The gang watched Fist Fight, starring Ice Cube and Charlie Day. In addition to discussing the movie, the boys also talked about bitchin' giant robots, solid deuces, and the market viability of a product called Fisty-Cuffs. Listen to the full podcast below!
ICE CUBE ANGRY FACES: 13
1. EXCESSIVE MILLENNIAL PANDERING
2. ADMINISTRATION STRAIGHT UP DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT. ACTUALLY, NO ONE DOES.
3. CHARLIE DAY IS TRAINED VIA SERIES OF BIZARRE TEACHERS AND TRIALS.
4. FIGHT DOESN'T HAPPEN, OR CHARLIE DAY IMMEDIATELY EATS SHIT.
5. CHRISTINA HENDRICK'S CHARACTER HAS IT OUT FOR CHARLIE DAY (EX-WIFE OR LOVER FROM ANOTHER SCHOOL DISTRICT)
1. ICE CUBE GETS A JOB BY THE END.
2. THERE IS GOING TO BE SEX IN THE SCHOOL BATHROOMS.
3. A GUN GETS FIRED, PROBABLY NOT BY EITHER MAIN CHARACTER.
4. A BOXING RING GETS MADE.
5. TRACY MORGAN WAS A BOXER AND THERE'S A FLASHBACK.
1. CELEB/CAMEO SHOUT-OUTS
2. MULTIPLE FELONIES WILL BE COMMITTED
3. THEY WILL BOTH END UP IN JAIL.
4. TRAINING MONTAGE
5. JOKES WILL HINGE ON GENERATIONAL DIFFERENCES.
THIS MOVIE WAS A TKO. (I'M SO SORRY)
1. DOUBLE TRAINING MONTAGE BUT CHARLIE DAY'S SUCKS
2. THE WORD "FISTICUFFS" IS MENTIONED.
3. ICE CUBE IS ACTUALLY CORRECT THE ENTIRE TIME.
4. ICE CUBE BRINGS AN AX TO THE FIGHT OR SOME OTHER WEAPON.
5. THERE WILL BE A TON OF DRUG REFERENCES.
IT WAS A SOLID #2. NOT DIARRHEA.
Mick, Jesse, and Taylor are joined by special guest Danny Henry to watch 1996's Santa With Muscles, starring Hulk Hogan and, for some reason, a very young Mila Kunis. We are also pleased to announce our new theme song, written and performed by Danny Henry (who is real).
CHRISTMAS-THEMED "I'M GONNA BEAT YOU UP" PUNS/ ONE-LINERS
SANTA WILL NOT GO TO PRISON
ENDS WITH A NICE FAMILY CHRISTMAS DINNER
NEEDS MORE WRESTLING
ANOTHER WRESTLER WILL APPEAR FOR CAMEO (MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE)
IT WILL SNOW AT THE END EVEN THOUGH IT'S IN CALIFORNIA
SCIENTIST IS EVIL BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T GET PRESENTS AS A KID
THERE WILL BE CGI INTRO CREDITS THAT HURT TO WATCH
THE CHILDREN WILL HAVE A TON OF ONE-LINERS
THIS MOVIE PUT ME IN A SLEEPER HOLD.
TOO MANY PUNS
MULTIPLE HEAD BONKAGE
CHRISTMAS WILL ONLY BE PERIPHERAL TO THE STORY
HULK HOGAN DOESN'T STOP BEING SANTA
THE "EVIL PLOT" WILL MAKE NO SENSE AND WOULD BE EASILY ACCOMPLISHED THROUGH MURDER.
THIS MOVIE PUT ME IN THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT.
HULK HOGAN ENDS UP WITH THE MAIN KID'S MOM
BLACK MAN ONLY SAYS STEREOTYPICAL RACIST THINGS
CLINT HOWARD GETS REALLY HURT
HULK HOGAN MEETS THE REAL SANTA
ONE SCIENTIST IS GOOD
I KIND OF WANT TO MAKE A SEQUEL AFTER A HEAVY AMOUNT OF DRINKING.
Mick, Jesse, and Taylor watched 1996's Repligator, a piece of thrill-rotica about soldiers, sexy babes, and cheap raptor masks. There isn't anybody famous anywhere near this movie unless you count the guy who played Leatherface in the old Texas Chainsaw Massacre, which nobody does.
PRODUCTION MISTAKES: 12
SCIENCE GADGETS SAVE THE DAY
ALLIGATORS ONLY AFFECT WOMEN
HORRIBLE, BLATANT SEXISM
INEXPLICABLE NUMBER OF WOMEN
LITTLE PLOT COHESION. SCENES NEARLY EXIST IN A VACUUM.
IT'S LIKE WATCHING THE BORING PARTS OF A FETISH PORNO.
THIS WILL BASICALLY BE A RIPOFF OF ALIEN.
THERE WILL BE A SEX SCENE. IT WILL BE AWKWARD AF.
THERE WILL BE A "BIG REVEAL" THAT DR. GOODBODY IS ACTUALLY A REPLIGATOR.
THERE ARE GOING TO BE A FUCKLOAD OF FILMING MISTAKES.
THIS IS THE WORST EPISODE OF PLANET EARTH I HAVE EVER SEEN.
AT LEAST HALF OF THE SCENES WILL HAVE AWKWARD PAUSES BEFORE CUTTING AWAY.
THERE IS NO EVIL DOCTOR, JUST SCIENCE ACCIDENTS.
A LINE AKIN TO "YES, BUT AT WHAT COST" WILL BE UTTERED.
THERE WILL BE A REAL WORLD NEWS TIE-IN LIKE BILL CLINTON BEING PRESIDENT
THERE WILL BE DUDE BUTT.
A STEVE IRWIN PORN PARODY WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE TASTEFUL.
Mick, Jesse, and Taylor watched Kevin Smith's second installment in the True North trilogy: Yoga Hosers, which stars Johnny Depp, Kevin Smith, and their daughters Lily-Rose Depp and Harley Quinn Smith and is the sequel to the movie Kevin Smith made on a dare.
"FELLOW KIDS" JOKES: 21
CANADIAN JOKES: 43
HELLO FELLOW KIDS
MAD SCIENTISTS= BRATZI
JOHNNY DEPP/ KEVIN SMITH IS BIG BAD
BRATZIS CRASH SENIOR PARTY.
FIGHT MONTAGE INVOLVING YOGA POSES
EXCESSIVE NUMBER OF KEVIN SMITH/ JOHNNY DEPP FILM REFERENCES
FRIENDSHIP IS THREATENED THEN SAVED.
THEY NEVER GET TO THE PARTY
GOOD AT COMBAT FOR SOME REASON
STUPID CANADIAN JOKES
WE WILL SEE A TIM HORTON'S
THIS MOVIE WILL NOT HAVE A SATISFYING ENDING
THE GIRLS WILL END UP WITH NO BOYFRIENDS AT THE END BECAUSE THEY DON'T NEED NO MAN.
GRATUITOUS MILLENIAL JOKES
THE WORD "HASHTAG" WILL BE SAID ALOUD.
YOGA POSITIONS WILL BE SEXUALIZED OR FRAMED TO LOOK LIKE SEX
TWO HORRIBLY DATED 2016 "HIT TRACKS" WILL BE USED THAT WON'T AGE WELL
THE NAZI'S EVIL PLAN IS ONLY TO TAKE OVER CANADA BECAUSE THEY'RE SO PASSIVE
REMARKS ABOUT THE US BEING CANADA'S BIG BROTHER, OR THE US SAVING THE DAY ARE MADE.
THERE ARE PLASTIC-ESQUE (MEAN GIRLS) BITCHES AS PRIMARY ANTAGONIST FOR THE FIRST 15 MINUTES.
THEY NEVER GET TO THE PART. THE PARTY WAS IN THEIR HEARTS.
SAVING THE DAY MAKES THEM THE COOLEST SOPHOMORES, EVERY GUY HAS 10K BONERS
THEY STOP TO INSTAGRAM/VINE (RIP) AN INTERACTION WITH THE MONSTERS.
JOHNNY DEPP AND KEVIN SMITH ARE IN THE MOVIE (NO PARENTS, MAYBE NAZIS.)
In this edition of Don't Watch This Shit, Mick, Jesse, Baby Brother Taylor, and Perpetual New Guy Sam sat down and watched the summer blockbuster Gods Of Egypt starring Jamie Lannister, Off-Brand Orlando Bloom, and Gerard Butler.
# OF TIMES OFF-BRAND ORLANDO BLOOM SHOULD HAVE DIED: 6
MOSTLY WHITE PEOPLE
VAGUE BRITISH ACCENT: NO EGYPTIAN
GAUNTLET OF ENEMIES
STORM/INFILTRATE THE CASTLE SCENE
SET HAS SOME ARTIFACT AS SOURCE OF POWER
TERTIARY GOD IN 11TH HOUR
HERO ASCENDS TO GODHOOD
HERO TRAINING SEQUENCE
GOD LEARNS ABOUT MORTALS
SURPRISINGLY ACCURATE MYTHOLOGY
WOULD PROBABLY MAKE A BETTER VIDEO GAME.
JESUS-LIKE SACRIFICE ENDING BY JAMIE L.
NOBODY TRIES HARD ACTING IN THIS MOVIE.
DUMB ROMANTIC SUBPLOT FORCED IN.
PROBABLY GOING TO SEE A MUMMY
DYING WITHOUT BLOOD
REACH: SOMEONE WILL PART THE RED SEA.
RA IS GOING TO BE A SEXY WOMAN.
SCENE WHERE THEY WEIGH SOULS WITH ANUBIS
THE SPHINX BEING BUILD STILL WITH NOSE
JAMIE LANNISTER IS IMMORTAL
GERARD BUTLER WILL HAVE NO ACTUAL MOTIVATION BESIDES EVIL.
THE HUMAN WILL WEAKEN THE VILLAIN TO MAKE HIM KILLABLE IN THE LAST FIGHT
THE HEROES GAINED SUPER AMAZEBALLS WEAPONS THAT WILL BE STRIPPED AWAY IN THE LAST FIGHT.
JAMIE LANNISTER HAS SEX AT LEAST TWICE, ONE TIME HE'S REAL SAD
SOMEONE WILL BE FED GRAPES LIKE HEDONISM BOT
VIKINGS OR ANOTHER FORCE WILL BE THE STINGER AT THE END.
GOAL IS THE "EYE OF HORUS"
GIRL IS ACTUALLY A GOD AND DOESN'T REVEAL IT UNTIL THE END.
NO MENTION OF THE JEWS
HERO DOES IT FOR THE POON
HORUS LOSES TWICE
SOME SORT OF VERY INCORRECT EGYPTIAN IMAGERY
HUGE CGI SETS ALA STAR WARS OR LOTR
STRUGGLE ACCENTS OR NO ATTEMPT AT ACCENTS
MAIN CHARACTER MAKES HEROIC SACRIFICE
In a special snow day edition of Don't Watch This Shit, Mick and Jesse got drunk and watched Sex Ed.
1: References to Masturbation
2: References to Sex Acts
4: Sex Scene
5: We See Someone Crankin' It
1: References to Masturbation: 6
2: References to Sex Acts: 20
3: Tits: 1
4: Sex Scene: 2
5: We See Someone Crankin' It: 0
Mick, Jesse, and sweet baby brother Taylor got together for another episode of Don't Watch This Shit. We watched Steven Segal's Sniper Special Ops. It was not good.
ONE LINERS: 1
- Gratuitous Patriotism
- Racist soldier on squad
- Seagal goes back to save someone
- One of the team members is a traitor
- Nobody has done any research on guns/combat
- Seagal gets the girl
- Gratuitous puns
- Someone is going to do that terrorist scream
- Wilhelm Scream
- Latent homoeroticism
FINAL THOUGHTS: GIANT WASTE OF TIME
- Steven Seagal is effectively immortal
- Only one American is hurt
- Girl is won by Steven Seagal in the end
- Steven Seagal never removes sunglasses
- Steven Seagal martial arts someone to death
- Horrible gunplay
- Steven Seagal speaks Arabic
- Towelhead & Other Offensive slurs
- At least one America! or USA!
- Vic and Jake bromance. One of them brings up bet in the end.
FINAL THOUGHTS: I FEEL GUILTY FOR GIVING STEVEN SEAGAL MONEY FOR THIS
- There is no spotter at any point
- Seagal is loose cannon cop, served for multiple tours
- Little brother death scene
- Flashback to little blonde girl running in yard
- Reloading only twice
- Seagal powers through leg wound at the end
- Black hawks save the day like in LOTR.
- RPG used on humans
- Wilhelm scream from grenade throw
- Comes from army family, his father, his father before him
This month Mick Theebs, Jesse Roy, and special guest Amy Jay sat down and watched a forgotten jewel of the early 90's called The Chase, starring Charlie "The Sheenster" Sheen and Kristy Swanson of Buffy the Vampire Slayer fame.
TIT COUNT: 0
FELONY COUNT: 7
CAR CRASH COUNT: 10
- At least 10 felonies will be committed
- Girl has controlling father
- Stockholm Syndrome: The Movie
- Sex while driving
- They won't have to stop for gas.
- Charlie Sheen gets arrested
- Girl stands up to her father.
- Girl also gets arrested
- Dated 90's references
- Trash soundtrack
THERE ARE WORSE MOVIES, I GUESS.
- Charlie's Crime = Murder of someone close to the Sheenster
- Charlie Sheen gets off scot-free
- Kristy stands up to workaholic daddy
- Highway to Hell
- Lots of car explosions and crashes
- Ramp Truck Ramp
- Tractor-trailer with logs, steel, cars, whatever tips over.
- If he doesn't get off (hehehe), prison phone conversation through glass.
- Hardass police guy who HATES Sheeneroni
- Police shootout
JUST WATCH THE TRAILER
- Roadhead (PG-13 version)
- Girl has Dad issues
- Charlie Sheen had a rough childhood
- The TV News is always at the right part of the story when someone turns on a TV
- They get to Mexico
- She gets him out of legal trouble because love.
- No breasts
- The whole movie takes place in <48 hours
- No one gets shot
- Car phone will get destroyed.
WILL PUT ON WHILE CLEANING HOUSE
Jesse, Mick, and Taylor watched a movie about a talking zebra called Racing Stripes starring Frankie Muniz, Dustin Hoffman, and a bunch of people that were really hot in the -00's.
TIT COUNT: 0
FELONY COUNT: 2
FART COUNT: 4
PUN COUNT: 30
1. I am going to hate the flies
2. Corrupt rich person
3. Last minute come-around from authority
4. Impossible assistance from animals
5. Fart Jokes
6. Animals are smarter than people
7. Stripe puns, oh god
8. Snoop Dogg weed reference
9. Single dad, dead mom
10. The power of friendship saves day
1. No mother- probably dead
2. Zebra has easily corrected identity crisis
3. Flies/animals do rendition of song a la Shrek
4. Romance subplot for zebra
5. Excessive number of zebra jokes/animal puns
6. Snotty rich people rival
7. Slow-mo race finish/ camera finish
8. Zebra gets injured/sick/sabotaged before the big race
9. Fart jokes from animals
10. Barn animals get payback on snooty rich people
1. No less than 2 farts for comedy
2. One Smash Mouth song
3. The mom is dead
4. Dad’s failure as racer will be flashed back to
5. Win by technicality (not final win)
6. “There’s no rule saying zebras can’t race”
7. Edgy use of the c-word (crap)
8. Female foil, super rich with horse, wears all white
9. Derpy doting boy friend friend
10. Colonel Sanders dressed in all white, cliche accent
NOT THAT BAD, I GUESS
For a very long time, Mick has wanted to start a podcast. Today, that dream is finally realized as he and his dear friend Jesse started Don't Watch This Shit.
The basic premise of Don't Watch This Shit is Mick and Jesse pick a movie they have never seen before and anticipate to be a pile of steamy sweaty doo-doo. They then each construct lists of things they hope and expect to happen, watch the movie, and discuss whether or not the movie met their expectations before ultimately giving the movie a rating in the form of modern hieroglyphs known as emojis. Listen to the podcast below in addition to a written version of their lists and ratings.
- Tom Green does something gross
- Dildo jokes
- Gay jokes
- Foreign people joke
- Car trouble
- Tom Green butt
- Cum in face
- School bus full of hot chicks/ weirdos
- Creepy hitchhiker
- Naked with tube socks
- Doing something for money
- 6 different sets of tits.
- Someone gets pooped on.
- Someone catches on fire.
- People shout "road trip" in unison
- Sex with an older lady
- Creepy hitchhiker
- Farmer's daughter
- Andy Dick Cameo
- Girlfriend doesn't care about cheating
- Dumb artistic ability